He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
