I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
