literally had 100 drinks last night.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
