are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
My liver is preforming stress tests.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
