Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
