I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
my being single is dangerous.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
