i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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