just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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