There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
