I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
