My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
