the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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