can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
