I think scott just propositioned me for sex
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
