Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
