I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
