somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
