i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
