wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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