I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
