My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
