Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
