I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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