You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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