Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
