some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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