What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
