I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
