I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
