I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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