I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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