My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
