3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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