walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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