Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
