I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
