i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
