I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
