Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
