last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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