mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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