I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
