so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
