The beer is more important than you right now.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
