I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
