I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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