You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
