My friends, they love my intelligence
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
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