PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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