Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
