Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
