someone threw a dead crab at me
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
